why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
