True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
