This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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