she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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