My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
