I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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