My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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