I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize