dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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