I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
