1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
