I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
