My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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