oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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