Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
