nut hugger
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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