fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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