The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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