You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
