Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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