literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
