And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
