I'm really into asian looking animals
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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