I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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