drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
