I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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