I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize