I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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