Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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