watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish i was in the wii world.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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