um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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