god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
