at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize