At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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