Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
