I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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