last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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