How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
