Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
