How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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