remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
