Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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