Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
