Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
