wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
