a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
