y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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