seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
