dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize