Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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