She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
