The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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