I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
