I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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