We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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