i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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