I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
