i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
